Cookie Armageddon
by Ayyzahurr
Summary: Blake makes the mistake of taking something that is not hers. Chaos ensues.


(Uploaded from my AO3 account of the same name)

(I hate myself.)

* * *

There are days where I like to just take a break from school. Days when I just take a walk outside. Maybe I'll take a book along. I can read while I walk; I know all the paths by heart. If it rains, maybe I'll stay in the dorm. Make a cup of cocoa for myself, sit by the window, and just stare at the rain. If it's colder, maybe I'll even put on one of those sweaters that Yang insists on getting for me.

Today is not one of those days.

I was feeling a bit peckish, and I went to partake in my modest stash of chips, that I keep tucked away behind some books _that are definitely just dull stories and not of any other, perhaps sexual nature_. The thing is, since I've gotten with Yang, I've been trying to expand her taste in literature, which may or may not include some of my own, _which may or may not include certain racy aspects of life untouched by some authors._ I was delightfully surprised when she actually found it agreeable. I gave her permission to my stuff, even the stuff I don't show other people. It gave us something to talk about.

Tragically, "my stuff" included the chips. I forgot what an appetite Yang has.

Yang keeps her own stash well stocked, but most of it was stuff that I didn't really like. A lot of hot stuff. Not really my thing. Burns my tongue.

Weiss doesn't keep any at _all_. We've called her out several times on it, because how can you not have snacks for movie night? But that just seems to be the 'Weiss' thing to do. She seems happy enough, so we leave her alone.

That left Ruby. it was well known that Ruby only carries one type of supply and that was cookies. Cookies for breakfast, cookies for lunch, cookies for dinner. How she has not exploded from sugar overdose is anyone's guess.

Anyway, _my_ thought was that since Yang helped herself to my snacks, it couldn't hurt to help myself to some of Ruby's. I mean, they're sisters, they share stuff all the time, so it's _basically_ like Yang sharing her stuff with me.

Weiss was the one who caught me when she opened the door to our dorm, literally with my hand _in_ the cookie jar. I snap back to reality. I was already about four cookies in, with a fifth in my mouth. Oh my god there were crumbs _everywhere. WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME? HOW ARE RUBY'S COOKIES SO DELICIOUS?_

Weiss' eyes dart from the cookie jar, to me stuffing my face with them and back to the cookie jar. We stare at each other for a good ten seconds without moving a muscle. I can feel the cookie getting soggy in my mouth.

"ARE YOU CRAZY, WOMAN!?" she finally screams, finding the will to make her body work again. The surprise makes me chomp down, half eaten cookie tumbling through the air. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

"Wha- Weiss! It's… it's nothing!" I say, as the half eaten cookie hits the floor. I look at it wistfully. "I was just feeling a little peckish and… you know!"

"You _don't understand_ ," Weiss stresses, looking up at me with an uneasy look. " _NOBODY,_ touches those cookies. _NOBODY._ "

"What's all this noise?" I hear Yang ask from somewhere in the corridor. "Blake, are you trying to find things to spice up bedtimes, again? Don't bother asking Weiss for a threesome, I already tried-"

"YANG, I TOLD YOU ALREADY, IT'S JUST _WEIRD_ , OK?" Weiss responds, screaming at the door frame. "WE HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM HERE."

"Okay, okay, so you might not be ready for my skills in bed, but I assure-" Yang sticks her head into the dorm and freezes. She looks to the discarded cookie, to me, and to the wide-eyed Weiss. She locks her gaze onto the wasted chocolate treat, her own eyes widening in fear. She looks up to me.

"You've killed us all."

Yang goes from 'Yang' to 'serious' faster than I've ever seen, ever. She barks orders at us, but her voice is laced with fear as she does so. "WEISS, GRAB OUR MISSION PACKS. WE NEED THEM READY TO GO. BLAKE, LOVE, GRAB THE WEAPONS." She rips her Scroll out of her bag and starts dialing furiously. "TEAMS JNPR, SSSN AND CFVY, THIS IS YANG. THREAT LEVEL CHOCOLATE ARMAGEDDON. _NOT A DRILL._ EVACUATE _NOW_." Coco's team immediately disconnects, while I can hear Team JNPR rustling about in their own dorm, frantically rushing about. From outside the window, I can _definitely_ hear three men and maybe one foreign lad screaming.

Weiss had, as ordered, gotten our mission packs, stacked neatly against the wall by the door. Without any further orders, however, she kinda just sat down next to the packs, curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth.

Just what the fuck did I get myself into?

"Yang, hun, what is going on?" I ask.

"KITTY CAT, NOT NOW. WHERE ARE MY WEAPONS?" Yang replies, tossing the room frantically looking for them.

"Hun, you're wearing them," I say, grabbing Yang's shoulder and sitting her down on the bed. "Now, what is this about?"

Yang looks at me like I'm a complete psychopath when realisation dawns on her, eyes widening in response. "That's right… you've never experienced this before…"

"Experienced _what,_ Yang?"

"I'd lived with her so I'd always known about it… but the first time it happened at Beacon, we were out… a date...,' Yang says, transfixed with the memories she has. "They didn't stand a chance…"

"Yang, _who_ didn't stand a chance!?"

"It was the weekend after exams…" I hear Weiss whimper. I turn to face her. "You and Yang left to go to her dad's. Ruby stayed with me. Team SSSN were having a party." I see her eyes go wide with fear. She puts her head between her knees and just mutters "No more, no more..." over and over again.

My train of thought gets disrupted when Jaune opens the door, somewhat hurried.

"Make way!" he says, bustling into the room, his teammates following close by. They had already geared up, packs and all. He opens up the window near my bed a little wider, and turns back to his team. They don't have the terrified looks our team has, but they look grim nonetheless. "You know the drill, single file. GO, GO, GO!" With a practiced precision, each of them goes to leap out the window, an impressive feat in itself considering we were about seven floors up.

"Godspeed, ladies," Nora says, one foot resting on the windowsill before jumping out.

"It was an honour," Ren adds, joining Nora soon after.

"I am glad to have known you as my friends," Pyrrha said. "All of you." She looks wistfully around her, as if this is going to be the last she sees of the place.

"See you on the other side," she finishes. She moves back a little, then runs and dives out the window.

"... You should get moving," is all Jaune says before leaving to join his team.

I look back to Yang and Weiss. They still looked panicked, but whether they had given up the thought of escaping or simply were incapable of moving, I don't know. I take a few deep breaths.

"Okay, team. You heard JNPR," I say. "Time to get moving." I toss a pack each to Yang and Weiss, and grab one for myself. The move seemed to have knocked them out of their stupor, and they scramble, getting what last-minutes items they can.

Weiss grabs a pen and paper and scribbles something really quickly. She tosses the pen haphazardly aside and leaves the paper on Ruby's bed, then heads to the window and jumps out, Glyphing her way down safely. With a quick glance I see that the paper just has the words "I love you." Love is tragic, I guess.

It gives me an idea, and I take the discarded pen and more paper. "Babe," Yang says, already at the window. "We _really_ have to go."

"Right behind you," I say. I look at my handiwork. It just says "I'm sorry" and has a small, sad, cat face drawn on it. Maybe it'll work?

It was only five minutes later; Yang, Weiss and I in a mad dash for the docks all the while. I heard a loud, guttural cry, followed by several explosions, all coming from the direction of Beacon Academy. Neither Weiss nor Yang looked back, but I could feel Yang's hand tighten around mine, trembling. God help anyone caught in Ruby's righteous fury.

Curse you, delicious cookies.

* * *

(Let me know if I'm not tagging the works right. Also, I didn't know how the fuck to end this.)

(RWBY is the work of and belongs to Monty Oum and Rooster Teeth.)


End file.
